“Hush little baby, don’t say a word”
She wondered what went wrong, where had life taken that dangerous turn
that she failed to notice and double back on.
All her life she had been thought to be bold, to stand up for what she
believed in, to never give up on her dreams and always been taught how to never
depend on anyone but herself.
An upbringing with such values, could well obviously lead to a highly
independent, self-sufficient individual and that would probably have been the
original plan her parents had decided on in the beginning.
“Mama’s going to buy you a mocking bird”
It all started when she was sixteen. Maybe it was her lack of teenage
rebellion, maybe it was her eclectic choice of hobbies that never fit into her
parents simple, content and lack-lustre up bringing’s. Maybe it was the fact
that she was blossoming into an attractive young lady. Maybe it was her growing
social circles that seemed to have more boys than girls in it. Maybe it the
fear that they grew up with which made them not see the good in their original
plan anymore. Or maybe, it was just gods
way of teaching her patience.
To be brought up with one set of values and ideals and then have your
entire world change overnight. How could anyone expect her to understand? How
was she supposed to alter herself to fit this new almost unfathomable
perspective?
But, she promised herself she would try. She promised to do this for
the people who sacrificed in blood, sweat and tears for her. She tried and
tried, but she couldn’t get herself to accept this new reality and be happy. If
only someone could explain to them that they couldn’t magically make roses
blossom after having planted seeds for Lilies.
“If that mocking bird don’t sing”
So, she walked down the path they chose for her, she fought; she
objected; she complained, but ultimately, she gave in. Why didn’t she object to
full effect back then? Why didn’t she say no; when she had a chance? What was
the point in questioning her choices now? But she couldn’t help but analyse it
repeatedly in her head and constantly wonder what she could have done to fix
it.
She shouldn’t have let them talk her into marriage at twenty. Shouldn’t
have married a man she barely knew and had nothing in common with. Shouldn’t
have believed it would work out to be a happy ending. She shouldn’t have
thought that a baby would fix it.
She looked at the little girl in her arms, a sweet little two weeks old
innocent little child, unaware of the turmoil taking place in her mother’s
head. She wondered, whether he would love his daughter the way she did,
wondered if he even capable of loving anyone. She wondered if he would ever
truly understand and respect her for having given him everything she had
without ever questioning his disregard for her.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the soft cries of her daughter. The
girl who should have been enjoying success in her career; peace in her mind;
the admiration of a few suitors and support of her family, rocked her baby
gently and sat in his room, in his house where she felt like a stranger even
after five years. She took a deep breath and sang in a defeated voice,
“If that mocking bird don’t sing, mama’s going to buy you a diamond
ring……”
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